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2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - Printable Version

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2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 11-05-2018

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wita big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf.

Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-06-2018

The day after their big 50th anniversary party, a man found himself looking at his wife and smiling. Suddenly he had a thought and decided to share it.

“You know, 50 years ago, we had a cheap house, a crap car, slept on a pull-out couch, and watched a 10-inch, black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.”

“Now, I have a million-dollar home, a $100,000 car, a king-sized bed, and a 75-inch TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. Things sure do change, huh?!”

His wife looked up from her book and stared at him for a moment, thinking. Then she replied.

“Well, if you want to go out and find a new, hot 23-year-old girl to sleep with, I’ll make sure you’ll be living in a cheap house, driving a crap car, sleeping on a pull-out couch, and watching a 10-inch, black-and-white TV, again.”

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - NugginFutz - 11-07-2018

[INDENT]
November 6, 2018, 6:49 PM

The plane crash I refer to (below) happened only 10 days ago near Osseo in Northern Wisconsin's Trempeleau County. It will be labeled as "Wisconsin's worst air disaster," so...I thought you might like to know about it.

I'll quote the short news article I read from the Eau Claire Leader News Release :

"Wisconsin's worst air disaster occurred today when a Cessna 152,a small 2 or 3-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian Lutheran Church cemetery, here, early this morning.

Ole Olsen and Sven Svensen, working as a search and rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb... as digging continues into the evening."

I'll keep you posted.

[/INDENT]

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-08-2018

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2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-11-2018

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' 'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? 'The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,



Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:30?'

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-13-2018

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad inthe newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-14-2018

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2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-15-2018

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"


The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"


The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-15-2018

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the beltway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're demanding a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-16-2018

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2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-16-2018

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2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-23-2018

My grief counselor died the other day…

But he was so good I didn’t give a dang

—

Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom.”

Husband: “Take the car next time.”

-----------------------

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Desperately hoping it might be magic, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-26-2018

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me.”

“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?”

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - BluntForceTrauma - 11-29-2018

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - montana - 11-29-2018

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2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-29-2018

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument from the wife, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.....

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I just slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf'......And she said, "Take a sweater.”

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - montana - 11-30-2018

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2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - kmon - 11-30-2018

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2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - montana - 11-30-2018

I was walking through a nearby mall yesterday and came upon a "Mexican Book Store."

Never having seen one before, I went in. As I was wandering around, a clerk asked if he could help me find something.

I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book about his proposed immigration policy regarding Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "F--- you, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day) - montana - 11-30-2018

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your loving Momma.



Moral:
Never bulla shita you Momma!!