2018 JOTD (Joke of the Day)

[kmon]

[NugginFutz]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."


Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.


THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe even 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends, if you can remember who they are!

[kmon]

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[NugginFutz]

Suppose you were a Rat. And then suppose you were a Lawyer. But I repeat myself.

(w/ apologies to Mark Twain)

[Kswhitetails]

There are two types of people in today's world. Those that tell absolutely hilarious jokes, and those that are offended by them.

[kmon]

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!

[Randy99CL]

Suppose you were a Rat. And then suppose you were a Lawyer. But I repeat myself.

(w/ apologies to Mark Twain)

Have you heard that some universities are planning to substitute lawyers for lab rats?

1. They breed faster than the rats.
2. People don't get as attached to them.
3. There are some things that rats just won't do.

[VASCAR2]

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the
nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short
distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral
is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood
and silence passed between the two men..

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

[kmon]

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for DFW airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver scream, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stop just inches from a large plate window!
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said are you OK? I’m so sorry but you scared the daylights out of me! The badly shaken passenger apologize to the driver and said I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.
The driver replied no no I’m the one who is sorry. It’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab; I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.

[NugginFutz]

:eek: Oh, snap!

[Kswhitetails]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[LRRPF52]

Military humor I read many years ago. True story:

A young USAF Airman fresh out of basic training was on his way home for leave, wearing his new dress uniform. At the airport, he went into a breakfast diner, and sat down next to an older man dressed in an olive green dress uniform, a Marine Colonel with a salt & pepper high and tight, rough features, and a stern demeanor.

The young Airman looked a his menu, and ordered pancakes with butter and syrup, while the Marine Colonel read his newspaper. The colonel got up and walked to the restroom, leaving his newspaper at his place.

Shortly thereafter, the waitress brought out a plate of pancakes and placed them on the bartop. The Airman unwrapped his utensils and prepared to dig into the pancakes, however, the Colonel returned from the head, sat down, looked over at the Airman, and then pulled the plate of pancakes in front of him. He slathered the butter onto the pancakes, and then drizzled them in syrup, unwrapped his utensils, and prepared to eat.

Shocked, the Airman had a mental rush of thoughts. "Is this a blatant display of inter-service rivalry by brute force and abuse of rank? Shall I let this go unanswered and say nothing, or do I seize my rightful property and assert myself in this clear breach of military protocols? Is this why they have officers' and enlisted clubs?"

The young Airman was not about to let this direct insult to his beloved Air Force stand, but he didn't want to be disrespectful either.

In a streak of bravery uncommon for USAF personnel in the face of USMC leadership dominance, the enlisted man boldly reached over to the plate of pancakes, grasped it with his hand, and pulled it to his place, and began to work on the top pancake in the stack with his fork and knife.

Immediately, the Colonel looked over at him, staring daggers from the eyes of an old soul, windows telling tales of horror few men have known.

Without a word, the Colonel reached over to the plate, and pulled it back to his place as soon as the junior enlisted man had lifted the last slice of the first pancake with his fork. The Colonel ate the next pancake in the stack, silently, but with the air thickening with tension only the most dysfunctional of families have ever known.

"The nerve he has!", thought the young Airman. As soon as the Colonel finished the next pancake, the Airman retrieved the plate in the same manner and finished the last pancake while the Colonel stared at him menacingly.

At this time, the Colonel stood up, reached into his pocket, placed 2 dollars and some change on the counter, tucked the newspaper under his arm, looked one last time at the Airman, and walked out of the diner.

"Well that was considerate of him.", the Airman thought to himself.

The waitress took the money and the plate, and then placed a brand new plate of pancakes in front of him.

"Here's your order, sir."

[olde sarge]

LRRPF52, I have another military story for you, again true. There was a young PV2 fresh out of Basic training but I won't mention any names. Fresh off a small farm in Vermont and as naive as one person could be. He stood there talking to another Private in the airport and saw a young female Corporal in uniform and asked the other private what she was. The other Private replied that she was a BAM. A little later the PV2 found himself waiting in line to board the airplane right behind the Marine and tried to strike up a friendly conversation. It went something like this "hi, you are the first BAM I have ever seen". Her reply was an unfriendly "What did you say!!!" "I just said you were the first BAM I had ever seen." She cold cocked this stupid PV2 almost knocking him down and again said "What did you say!!!" Well this PV2 was not the brightest light in the room but had figured out that he wouldn't say what he had previously said. So he just replied "Nice day" and quickly moved away from her. Well there was an Air Force Sgt standing there laughing so hard I, I mean the PV2, knew he would wet his pants at any second. The kid asked him "what the hell is so funny". The Sgt asked the kid if he knew what BAM meant and the kid said it's a female Marine. Chuckling the Sgt said it meant Broad Assed Marine. I can tell you the PV2 never made that mistake again in the 22 yrs he spent in the Army. He he

[BluntForceTrauma]

He he. Good thing you didn't name names!

[LRRPF52]

If one were to sum up the military services, their common vernacular motivational chants do an amazing job.

USMC: "Oooh rah, Semper Fi, do or die, Marine Corps!" (yelling in your face with murderous enthusiasm and spittle flying)

US Navy: "Hoo yah?" (not very motivated)

US Army: "Hooah!" (varying levels of motivation to be encountered, from sarcastic wise-guy to not-so-bright catch phrase)

USAF: "Who? Us?" (masterfully executed to avoid the normal pain and suffering enjoyed by her sister services)

[NugginFutz]

A C-130 was lumbering along when an F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

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The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb! He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.


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The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 flew along for about 5 minutes, straight and level. Just when the F-16 pilot was wondering if comms had gone down, the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a piss, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."

[LRRPF52]

An F-16 Instructor Pilot took a young student out for one of his first Air-to-Ground missions.

As they passed certain target coordinates, the IP told the student to record the locations, which he complied with verbally over the internal comms.

Upon landing, they opened the canopy and began to dismount the jet.

The IP looked up and saw grease pencil marks with visual cues and little target pictures all over the forward canopy on the inside where the student was flying, complete with textbook Target Reference Points and vectors.

IP: "Why did you write those on the canopy?"

Student: "I lined them up with my Field of View so I could see them again for the next sortie."

IP: "That won't work at all! We're going to be flying another airplane!"

[NugginFutz]

Doh!

[kmon]

[kmon]