06-11-2018, 11:20 PM
DRILL PRESS: [INDENT]A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. [/INDENT]
WIRE WHEEL: [INDENT]Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, Oh sh!#... [/INDENT]
SKILL SAW: [INDENT]A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. [/INDENT]
PLIERS: [INDENT]Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. [/INDENT]
BELT SANDER: [INDENT]An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. [/INDENT]
HACKSAW: [INDENT]One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. [/INDENT]
VISE-GRIPS: [INDENT]Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. [/INDENT]
WELDING GLOVES: [INDENT]Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. [/INDENT]
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: [INDENT]Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. [/INDENT]
TABLE SAW: [INDENT]A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. [/INDENT]
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: [INDENT]A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. [/INDENT]
BAND SAW: [INDENT]A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. [/INDENT]
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: [INDENT]A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. [/INDENT]
CRAFTSMAN* x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: [INDENT]A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. [/INDENT]
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: [INDENT]Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. [/INDENT]
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: [INDENT]A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. [/INDENT]
PRY BAR: [INDENT]A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. [/INDENT]
HOSE CUTTER: [INDENT]A tool used to make hoses too short. [/INDENT]
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:[INDENT]Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.[/INDENT]
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:[INDENT]Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.[/INDENT]
TWEEZERS: [INDENT]A tool for removing wood splinters.[/INDENT]
PHONE: [INDENT]Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.[/INDENT]
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: [INDENT]Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.[/INDENT]
TIMING LIGHT: [INDENT]A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.[/INDENT]
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:[INDENT]See hacksaw. [/INDENT]
TROUBLE LIGHT:[INDENT]The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. [/INDENT]
HAMMER: [INDENT]Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit. [/INDENT]
AIR COMPRESSOR:[INDENT]A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts. [/INDENT]
DAMMIT TOOL: [INDENT]Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling DAMMIT! at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.[/INDENT]
WIRE WHEEL: [INDENT]Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, Oh sh!#... [/INDENT]
SKILL SAW: [INDENT]A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. [/INDENT]
PLIERS: [INDENT]Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. [/INDENT]
BELT SANDER: [INDENT]An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. [/INDENT]
HACKSAW: [INDENT]One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. [/INDENT]
VISE-GRIPS: [INDENT]Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. [/INDENT]
WELDING GLOVES: [INDENT]Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. [/INDENT]
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: [INDENT]Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. [/INDENT]
TABLE SAW: [INDENT]A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. [/INDENT]
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: [INDENT]A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. [/INDENT]
BAND SAW: [INDENT]A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. [/INDENT]
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: [INDENT]A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. [/INDENT]
CRAFTSMAN* x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: [INDENT]A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. [/INDENT]
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: [INDENT]Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. [/INDENT]
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: [INDENT]A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. [/INDENT]
PRY BAR: [INDENT]A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. [/INDENT]
HOSE CUTTER: [INDENT]A tool used to make hoses too short. [/INDENT]
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:[INDENT]Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.[/INDENT]
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:[INDENT]Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.[/INDENT]
TWEEZERS: [INDENT]A tool for removing wood splinters.[/INDENT]
PHONE: [INDENT]Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.[/INDENT]
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: [INDENT]Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.[/INDENT]
TIMING LIGHT: [INDENT]A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.[/INDENT]
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:[INDENT]See hacksaw. [/INDENT]
TROUBLE LIGHT:[INDENT]The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. [/INDENT]
HAMMER: [INDENT]Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit. [/INDENT]
AIR COMPRESSOR:[INDENT]A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts. [/INDENT]
DAMMIT TOOL: [INDENT]Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling DAMMIT! at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.[/INDENT]
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