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I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior. -
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Halloween Party. Jack is not normally a drink, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling he wondered if he did something wrong.
Opening his eyes, the first thing that he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to them is a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he looks in the mirror and sees a black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?????"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you into the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me alone I'm married!!"
Broken coffee table - $239.00, hot breakfast - $4.20, two aspirin - .38; saying the right thing at the right time - PRICELESS!!!!Comment
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We old folks sometimes have troubles with our computers & other electronic devices.
Yesterday I was having problems with my computer so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door. The kid is a computer whiz... his bedroom looks like NASA Mission Control. I asked Georgie if he could get me back online. I don't know what I did but I couldn't see my emails anymore.
The kid clicked a couple of keys & had my email back up almost immediately. My problem was solved in less than a minute. The kid started to leave when I called after him, "What was wrong with my computer?"
He replied, "It was a ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear too dumb, but nonetheless asked, "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
Georgie grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
I sheepishly muttered, "Nope. It's a new one on me."
"Write it down," he says. "I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down: ID10T...
I used to like Georgie, the smart ass little turd.I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.Comment
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An feller I know out in the super-blue state of California asked me what he might need in order to defend himself & his family from home invasion or from being mugged.
I suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips & a box of shells.
A few days later he sent me this picture & asked me how to make it all work.
9mm.jpgI refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.Comment
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momma mole, papa mole and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country. One day, the poppa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmmmmmmm, I smell sausage!"
The momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, 'Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, I smell pancakes!"
The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get past the two bigger moles. Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."Comment
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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees an old farmer sitting on his porch petting his dog. He figures he will have a little fun, so he says to the farmer, "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Old Farmer, "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog (via ventriloquist): "Doin' all right."
Old Farmer: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to farmer)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me good food and takes me to the lake to play once a week."
Old Farmer: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist : "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Old Farmer: "Horse doesn't talk either, ....I think."
Ventriloquist : "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Old Farmer: (look of total amazement)
Ventriloquist : "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
After a long pause.....
Old Farmer: (in a panic) "The sheep's a dang liar!"Comment
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